The Ghost Of An Idea
by ShaViva
Summary: It's Christmas Eve and Sheppard is having a bad day of the Ebenezer Scrooge kind. What will he do when confronted with Past, Present and Future? Hints of Sheyla preship. Shepcentric but each of the team has a part to play. Set S5 so beware minor spoilers
1. Friends Lost But Not Forgotten

**The Ghost Of An Idea**

Author: ShaViva

Rating: K+

Season: 5

Summary: It's Christmas Eve and Sheppard is having a bad day of the Ebenezer Scrooge kind. What will he do when confronted with Past, Present and Future? Set Season 5 so beware possible spoilers.

Classifications: Friendship/Team Fic, slightly angsty. This is Sheppard centric but everyone has a role.

Pairings: Suggestions of Sheyla, not established.

Spoilers for: I could list the individual episodes but any references I make are pretty minor ... I don't want to give anything away so just assume anything up to an including Brainstorm is fair game. If you haven't watched season 5 though I don't think I'm spoiling any major plot lines.

Disclaimer: I am unfortunately not associated in any way with the creators, owners, or producers of Stargate or any of its media franchises. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, equipment, etc are the property of whoever owns them. Any original characters, plot, settings, and anything else I made up are the property of me, the author. No copyright infringement is intended.

Copyright (c) 2008 ShaViva

"_Keep Christmas in your own way, and let me keep it in mine." Charles Dickens_

**Stave One: Friends Lost But Not Forgotten**

"Colonel!" John Sheppard glanced over his shoulder at the insistent shout chasing him down the corridor.

"Radek?" he waited until the dishevelled countenance of Radek Zelenka arrived in front of him.

"Colonel, I'm glad I caught you," Radek replied, breathe hitching testament to the fact he'd never really gotten into shape, despite Sheppard's attempts to get all the science staff participating in fitness training.

"What can I do for you?" Sheppard began walking again, Radek scurrying along beside him.

"Is about the Christmas party this evening," Radek began.

"Major Lorne is overseeing all those arrangements," Sheppard interrupted dismissively.

"Yes and he is currently in Puddle Jumper bringing supplies from the mainland," Radek ignored John's lack of enthusiasm for the topic. "A batch of Ruus wine was discovered to be contaminated and the kitchen staff need to bring more in from P4X-978."

"So bring more in," Sheppard said impatiently.

"They need authorisation to dial the gate," Radek reminded him.

"Can't Woolsey do that?" Sheppard picked up the pace a bit, forcing Radek to trot to keep up with him.

"Mr Woolsey is in a meeting," Radek explained.

"Fine, you have authorisation to send someone to P4X-978 for more wine," Sheppard stated abruptly. Radek stopped at that ... Sheppard had opened a gap of a few paces on the smaller man before he spoke again.

"We will see you at the party later?" Radek asked in a quiet tone.

"Got a mission this afternoon," Sheppard replied evasively, turning back to look at Radek with a carefully regretful face. Of course he didn't share the fact that they only had a mission because he'd scheduled it deliberately so he'd have an excuse to get out of anything he didn't want to do.

"Rodney mentioned it," Radek returned. "He said for sure you'd all be back in time to attend."

"I've got other plans," Sheppard announced blandly.

"It would be good for morale for people to see you there Colonel," Radek said reproachfully.

"It's Christmas Radek," Sheppard returned in an emotionless voice. "They won't need my kind of morale." Not wanting to give the other man the chance to say more John turned and rapidly strode away, leaving a puzzled frowning Radek behind.

oOo

Sheppard made his way up the steps to the Control Room a few minutes later, mind engaged with less than pleasant thoughts. He'd never understood why everyone always got so excited about Christmas. Okay, maybe when he was a kid he'd understood but he was as far as you could get from those days. Sure, the food was always a step up from the usual fare and he guessed the chance to kick back with a drink couldn't be discounted but was that really worth all the additional hassle?

What he especially didn't get was the eternal desire of everyone for him to be involved. This was going on his fifth year on Atlantis and they still hadn't gotten the message that he didn't like Christmas!

"Colonel Sheppard," Richard Woolsey appeared at the doors of the conference room, his meeting having just concluded.

"Mr Woolsey," Sheppard returned, looking around him to where Rodney sat at one of the consoles. All he wanted to do was check with Rodney on the status of his Puddle Jumper but everything seemed to be conspiring against him.

"You authorised the resupply mission to P4X-978?" Woolsey asked.

"Is that a problem?" Sheppard frowned, surprised Woolsey already knew about Radek's request.

"No, no," Woolsey said quickly. "The party will be good for everyone. I trust we'll see you there?"

"Parties aren't really my thing," Sheppard said casually.

"As a member of the senior staff I expect you to put in an appearance," Woolsey said with pompous self importance.

"It's a Christmas party, not an official function," Sheppard retorted. "I'd go if it was an order but since the last time I checked you were still a civilian you'll just have to get along without me."

"Is there some kind of problem with this particular party Colonel?" Woolsey didn't take offense to John's combative tone, distracted as he was with the uncharacteristically _not_ easy going manner of his military leader.

"I don't do Christmas," Sheppard announced grimly, shaking his head when Woolsey went to question him further. "I need to check in with McKay. We're taking Jumper One this afternoon ... Rodney's team only finished fixing it yesterday."

"Of course Colonel," Woolsey waved a hand expansively, waiting until Sheppard had passed before adding something in a low tone. "I'm not all that fond of Christmas myself, but I am ... fond of the people here, and the city itself. Being a part of the celebration ... well I hope it gets that across to everyone."

Sheppard did nothing to acknowledge the statement but the tense line of his shoulders let Richard know his words had found their target.

oOo

"Please tell me Jumper One is good to go," Sheppard threw himself into the chair next to Rodney and looked at him hopefully.

"All systems check in the green," Rodney announced with a pleased, smug smile, swivelling to look at his friend. "Wanna grab some lunch before we head out?"

"I need to get a few things from my quarters," Sheppard refused evasively.

"They won't be singing carols yet," Rodney pointed out impatiently, too smart not to work out John's real motives. "You really need to get over your aversion to all things Christmas."

"Next year," Sheppard quipped, jumping up and moving to cross the Control Room. "I'll see you in the Jumper Bay."

"You don't know what you're missing," Rodney called after him.

"You can give me the highlights later," Sheppard called back.

oOo

Striding quickly down the corridor, Sheppard put what he hoped was a less than welcoming look on his face in the hopes he wouldn't get interrupted again. It seemed to work because he made it back to his quarters without any further interactions.

Swiping his hand over the door controls John rushed inside, attention more on getting clear before he was spotted than in watching where he was going. He had just enough time to register the skateboard he'd forgotten to put away earlier before his foot landed on it and he went arse over armpit. Luck wasn't with him either – right before the painful landing on his tail bone he managed to slam his head against the edge of his desk ... hard.

The pain registered even as his vision greyed and he lost touch with reality.

oOo

"Shep!" An insistent voice brought him back to himself abruptly a short time later.

Sitting up quickly, Sheppard put a hand to the back of his head, wincing at the large lump he found there. Swallowing on a wave of nausea John crawled on his knees the few steps to his bed and dragged himself up. Stretching out miserably he put a hand over his eyes, blocking out the light and the thought of how embarrassed he was gonna be if he had to involve Doctor Keller in his little accident.

"Shep!" that same voice drew his attention towards the window. Everything dropped into the background and John sat up abruptly again, groaning when dull pain throbbed through his head. "You never did learn how to fall right," the apparition said with a head shake of amused fondness.

"Holland?" John rubbed at his eyes, expecting the vision to disappear. No such luck.

"It's me," Captain Neal Holland confirmed. "And no, you're not going nuts ... although in this place I can see why that'd be your first thought."

"How ... I'm dreaming this, right?" Sheppard did the whole 'pinch yourself to wake up' routine, disconcerted to find the image of his long dead friend still in front of him.

"Ever hear of Ascension?" Holland asked with an amused smile. "Not your deal I know but ... a lovely lady by the name of Oma Desala made me the offer and I just couldn't refuse."

"I saw you dead!" Sheppard ground out heatedly. "I've read the mission reports ... bodies disappearing to nothing. That wasn't what happened with you."

"Different times," Holland explained casually. "Oma made everything look exactly as you expected ... didn't want to freak you out."

"So what? You've been floating around in the higher plane all this time?" Sheppard asked sceptically. "Sorry buddy but I just can't see you happy not getting your hands dirty,"

"There _have_ been times I had to be forcibly restrained," Holland admitted, no longer casually amused. "That's the price you pay for getting the opportunity."

"Yeah, well it's too high if you ask me," Sheppard cast a keen glance at the image of his friend before flopping back down stretched full length on his bed. The silence continued for several moments, John determined not to play along with whatever was really going on.

"Aren't you the least bit curious about why I'm here?" Holland finally broke the silence to ask.

"Not especially," Sheppard replied. "If you even are really here," he muttered under his breath.

"Oh, I'm here all right and you're still a stubborn son of a bitch!" Holland returned impatiently.

"Glad you noticed," Sheppard retorted. "I'm just gonna lie here until I wake up or someone notices I haven't turned up and comes to check on me."

"You can't keep avoiding things Shep," Holland said softly, moving towards the bed.

"I can," John insisted, jumping up before Holland could get too close and backing towards the window. "You're not here ... you died in Afghanistan because I didn't get there in time to save you. I hit my head and now I'm having some kind of hallucination ... a really, _really_ vivid hallucination. End of story!" Deliberately he turned his back on Holland, concentrating on the view outside.

"I'm here," John flinched when a warm hand landed on his shoulder and squeezed firmly. Crap! He'd been avoiding getting too close so he wouldn't have to find out that whatever this thing was it had actual physical presence. "What are you doing with your life Shep?" Holland stepped back, letting Sheppard have the space he was so blatantly broadcasting the need for.

"If you're ascended then you already know the answer to that," John replied snidely.

"I should have said what do you _think_ you're doing with your life," Holland was unperturbed by John's attitude.

"Killing Wraith ... destroying Replicators. Saving Earth," Sheppard recited glibly. "More than I ever did back home."

"And yet you're _hiding_ out in your room to avoid the preparations for a party with people you've known for five years," Holland reminded him. "You always had a wall around you the size of Texas but now? Have you let anyone get close to you since you've been here?"

"I have friends ... good friends!" Sheppard returned defensively. "Please don't tell me you came all the way here to tell me to get a life! You of all people would know the reasons why I can't do that."

"Everyone dies John," Holland offered, not concerned that one of those deaths had been his own.

"Yeah well they can keep doing it in their own time," Sheppard retorted childishly. "I'm fine just the way I am."

"You're not," Holland retorted grimly. "And every year that goes by makes you less and less so."

"Why the hell are you doing this?" Sheppard demanded angrily.

"Because you need to change things, let people in before it's too late," Holland warned in an ominous tone.

"Thanks for the heads up buddy but I like my life just the way it is," Sheppard smiled convincingly. "You can fade back to wherever you came from, mission accomplished."

"Oma said you'd be too stubborn just to listen to me," Holland shook his head sadly. "You leave me no choice but to force you to look at things with different eyes. Don't think you can get out of this either ... there's nowhere in this galaxy or any other where you can hide."

"From what?" Sheppard asked suspiciously.

"You'll see," Holland returned complacently. "You'd better get ready for your mission ... Rodney's on his way."

Sheppard turned to look at the door just as the door chime sounded. Glancing back at the place where Holland had been standing he saw nothing more than his empty room.

Touching a hand to the back of his head again Sheppard frowned in confusion. Had that been real or some kind of waking dream? And if it was real, what had Holland meant by saying he was going to force John to look at things differently?

The door chime sounding again broke Sheppard out of his reverie. Shaking his head he swiped a hand over the controls to let Rodney in.

"What took you so long?" Rodney complained.

"Ah ... slight ... incident with my skateboard," Sheppard gestured vaguely to where the offending item was resting against the wall. The evidence of impact was obvious and Rodney turned to John with a frown.

"You okay?" his tone was as close as he got to expressing the concern that was an inherent part of their friendship.

"Bump on the head," Sheppard said dismissively. "I'll be fine ... and no I'm not having Jennifer check me out before we leave."

"Fine," Rodney gripped, following Sheppard out the door. "Just don't blame me if your brains start leaking out your ears ... although I'm not sure we'd actually notice the difference."

"Nice McKay," Sheppard laughed at the implied insult to his intelligence. "Where's your Christmas spirit?"

"Where's yours?" Rodney shot back pointedly.

Sheppard snapped a quick look at Rodney before resolutely looking away, carefully not thinking about his recent ... hallucination.

**Authors Note: **

So obviously this is a Christmas story ... have no fear though, it's all written and just needs some final editing/smoothing. Posting _will_ be completed before Christmas Day. I was thinking to time the last chapter for Christmas Eve – but will anyone be reading fan fiction during the day on Christmas Eve???

Also I made up Captain Holland's first name ... because he seemed to need one and I couldn't find reference to one anywhere.

If you're waiting for FJS4 don't get mad at me ... I _am _still tapping away on that. I'd hoped to be able to have it done and then do this story but it's taking a lot longer than I imagined it would so I took a break to do this story ... because I always wanted to do a Christmas tale (the little one between FJS2 and FJS3 doesn't count!) and it's not like I can do one two weeks from now! You all can understand that, right?


	2. The Ghost of Stories Past

"_Your reclamation, then. Take heed!" Charles Dickens_

**Stave Two: The Ghost of Stories Past**

M5R-293 was an attractive planet cast from the same cloth as places such as New Athos. Sheppard flew the Puddle Jumper through the space gate orbiting above down towards the settlement. The layout meant a long walk from where they'd have to park the Jumper, most of it on a narrow path through thick forest.

"I can't see why we couldn't have waited a few days to come here," Rodney began his complaints as soon as their walk was under way. "It's not like the energy reading Lorne's team picked up is going anywhere!"

"You surprise me McKay," Sheppard shot back. "Usually you're all over anything like this."

"Yeah, well too many disappointments have dampened my enthusiasm," Rodney retorted sarcastically. "We all know the chances of this being something useful ... like a ZPM are practically zero."

"We still have to check it out," Sheppard replied, motioning for the others to pick up the pace. "The quicker we get there the quicker you can get back to the festivities."

"You do not intend to join the party later?" Teyla asked, not really surprised.

"Got other plans," Sheppard said easily.

"Like _what_?" Rodney asked in disbelief. "Everyone else will be at the party ... what could you possibly be doing?"

"Minding my own business McKay," Sheppard returned snidely.

"I don't get the whole Christmas thing," Ronon commented, "but the food's usually good."

"Can we focus on the mission here?" Sheppard asked sternly, stopping at a junction in the path. "McKay – you picking up anything?"

"Yeah," Rodney looked down at his hand held unit and then pointed off to their right. "Faint reading - that way."

Motioning for Rodney to lead the way with Ronon covering him, Sheppard fell into step beside Teyla. Wisely Teyla respected his desire for quiet and didn't question him any further.

They walked in the six position for ten minutes or so, Sheppard silently cursing the whole time the headache throbbing through his temples and the fact he'd been stupid not to at least take some aspirin before he'd left.

"Stop!" Ronon held up a hand, poised for action as he stood frozen on the path ahead.

Sheppard stood frozen too, straining his ears to hear anything out of the ordinary.

There! A rustling sound came from his right. A hint of movement. A flash of fabric camouflaged but not naturally occurring. It all took place on the edge of John's vision ... someone was spying on them!

Ronon took off through the trees, blaster already drawn before Sheppard could come up with a suitable order.

"Stay here!" he yelled to Teyla and Rodney, sprinting off to follow his team mate. "Ronon! Wait up!"

The crashing of movement in the trees ahead was his only answer. Grumbling under his breath about impatient Satedans John picked up the pace, skilfully dodging low branches as he tried to catch up. His eyes were trained on the ground as well, looking for the right footfalls while avoiding the obvious obstacles that could lead to injury. That level of concentration meant he'd been running for a few moments before he realised he was no longer picking up Ronon's sounds of pursuit.

"Ronon?" he stopped and activated his radio, speaking in a low tone under the assumption Ronon had gone quiet for a reason. "Click the receive button once if you're getting this."

Sheppard relaxed when one steady burst of static came back in reply.

"I'm heading your way," Sheppard announced, shifting into slow and steady stealth mode as he made for Ronon's position.

The sound of someone landing from a height behind him halted his progress in an instant.

"Colonel Sheppard!" a familiar voice said excitedly.

Turning, John was brought up short by the presence of none other than Lieutenant Aiden Ford.

"Ford!" Sheppard approached cautiously. "Was that you following us before?"

"No Sir," Ford replied, looking at his ex commanding officer sincerely. He still had the enlarged pupil that spoke of his dependence on Wraith enzyme but otherwise looked well. His Pegasus galaxy clothes weren't new but they were in good condition and his general air said he was doing okay.

"What're you doing here?" Sheppard asked, adding before Ford could reply. "How the hell did you make it off that Hive ship before it blew up?"

"Just passing through," Ford answered the first question evasively. "It was only luck that I survived. Some of the Wraith were already abandoning ship after the first shots were fired. One of them decided to pack a lunch for the trip ... scooped me up before I could get clear. Turned out to be the best thing because I was still high on the enzyme when he rematerialised me. One on one he didn't stand a chance and I had a nice little supply of enzyme to keep me going until I got back to my base of operations."

"You've still been continuing, even with all the ... changes lately?" Sheppard asked in surprise. "We haven't heard anything."

"Yeah - on a small scale," Ford said dismissively. "Enough of that though ... I want to hear what's going on back on Atlantis. I heard a rumour you had to relocate."

"Your network is pretty well informed," Sheppard frowned in dismay, even knowing Ford would never willingly give up information about Atlantis.

"We get around," Ford replied. "Is Doctor Weir still in charge?"

"Ah ... no," Sheppard said uncomfortably, feeling the well of unresolved emotions churn a little at having to admit why. "She ... we lost her on a mission to the Replicator home world. Got a ZPM and saved the city but ... she didn't make it."

"Damn!" Ford said sadly. "So who's in charge now? You?"

"God no!" Sheppard replied with a grim laugh. "Colonel Carter led the expedition for a while. Now we've got a guy called Richard Woolsey, courtesy of the IOA."

"And the others, Rodney, Teyla? Carson?" Ford continued. "How are they doing?"

"Rodney's still Rodney," Sheppard smiled in amusement when Ford nodded knowingly. "Got himself a girlfriend though which has mellowed him out a lot. She's a doctor and he's a hypochondriac so they're a match made in heaven."

Ford laughed appreciably at John's joke, his eyes twinkling as he remembered the many times he'd teased or otherwise tormented his ex teammate over his tendency to think the worst, especially if it was medically related.

"Teyla had a baby," Sheppard decided to take the easier one next. "Father's a member of the Athosian community. She called him Torren John which is kinda flattering."

"So you never ...?" Ford gestured vaguely. Sheppard shook his head, not willing to even comment on the nest of unspoken issues _that_ statement referred to. "Funny," Ford acknowledged sadly. "I always thought the two of you -"

"Wouldn't have been appropriate," Sheppard cut in before Ford could finish, quickly returning to the topic at hand. "We've still got Ronon as the fourth member of our team ... he's made a lot of progress since you saw him last, gotten used to not having to run anymore."

"And Carson?" Ford asked curiously.

"Now that's an interesting one," Sheppard thought quickly, deciding a brief summary would do. "He's fine now but it's been a rough ride. The Carson you knew was killed in an explosion a couple of years back, but we stumbled across his clone a few months ago ... helped fix some problems due to him being a copy and now he's back on Earth, still practicing medicine. Comes to Atlantis every now and then to help the new CMO with her research."

"Wow," Ford said in amazement. "Sounds like everyone's come a long way ... well except for you of course."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Sheppard asked in surprise.

"You're still running the military, still running your team," Ford pointed out. "And I'm guessing still doing all that alone."

"What is _with _everyone today?" Sheppard turned away impatiently, stomping over to a tree stump and slumping down on top of it. "I have friends okay ... you used to be one of them, remember?"

"I remember," Ford replied calmly. "I remember you helping me ... or trying to, even when I didn't listen. But I also remember you never never let yourself depend on any of us too much, just in case things went wrong."

"Yeah and that turned out to be the right call in your case didn't it," Sheppard returned sarcastically. "Last I knew you were dead ... been thinking that way about you for going on two years now."

"I'm never coming back so I _am_ as good as dead," Ford agreed.

"There's no reason you couldn't come back with me right now," Sheppard pointed out.

"_See_," Ford waved a hand at Sheppard excitedly. "That's exactly what I'd expect you to say. Someone could have been living with the enemy for years and yet you'd still give them the benefit of the doubt! How come you can't do that in your personal life?"

"I'm not having this conversation with you Lieutenant," Sheppard jumped up from the log and turned to walk down the path. After a few steps though he halted with a resigned sigh, knowing he couldn't just walk away – not without at least trying to convince Aiden to come home.

"Knew you couldn't do it," Ford said with a smile when John returned.

"Yeah, well technically you're still my responsibility," Sheppard dismissed. "You could just come back for a visit – check out the waters before you commit."

"That's what you do isn't it?" Ford said in sudden understanding. "You visit with everyone but you never commit to staying."

"Why are you so interested in my personal life all of a sudden?" Sheppard demanded impatiently.

"Because it's my job," Ford returned casually. Seeing John's suddenly worried look he nodded. "Yeah, that's right. Captain Holland asked me to do this ... because I'm another one of those past stories you never confronted, just like you never confronted the loss of Doctor Weir, or Carson or Colonel Sumner ... or anyone else who died under your command. But it's not just the losses you don't confront is it John? You don't confront any of your feelings for anyone ... unless a situation occurs that forces you to."

"I have no idea what you're even talking about now," Sheppard tried to laugh, tried to give Ford the impression of being way off base. "Just come back to Atlantis, let me get you home. I know your grandparents would be thrilled to see you."

"Just like your brother was thrilled to see you?" Ford returned. "Do you regret that your Dad died before you made peace with him?"

"_That's enough!_" Sheppard was suddenly very, very angry. Casting his gaze as Ford and then around the clearing he directed his next words harshly into the sky. "I'm not participating in this little game anymore! _Do you hear me?_"

"I'm sorry Colonel," Ford approached resolutely. "I have to make you see ... before it's too late for you to change things."

"Don't even think about it," Sheppard commanded but Aiden ignored him. Backing away wasn't an option, not without conceding emotional ground so John stood still right until the point when Ford stepped into his personal space and slammed his palm against John's forehead.

Staggering back the images assaulted his vision ... like a screen show of photos flashing past. They all had a theme though ... an unwelcome theme. Christmases ... _Sheppard _family Christmases to be precise, travelling forward in time from John as a small boy right into adolescence.

And then the photos became a movie, complete with sound, the subject matter holding John in place as much as the emotions they stirred inside.

"_The boy wants to join the air force!" the image of a younger Patrick Sheppard spoke in a harsh undertone._

"_He wants to fly," John's mother said complacently. The two of them were standing beside an opulent Christmas tree, watching two dark haired teenage boys constructing an elaborate model amidst a mountain of discarded wrapping paper._

"_He's too smart to throw it all away on an adrenalin rush," John's father said angrily. "John's teacher said he's never seen so much natural mathematical talent in any of his students! We could use that in the company."_

"_Don't be greedy Patrick," John's mother urged. "David has enough ambition to follow in your footsteps. Be content with that and let John do what he wants."_

"_I can't let him waste his life!" John's father bit out in frustration._

"_Who are we to say what would be a waste?" John's mother asked reasonably. "If you push him too hard on this we'll lose him." When John's father looked to continue his mother put a pleading hand on her husband's arm. "Please Patrick ... "_

"Your Mother understood you," Lieutenant Ford's voice broke into the adult John's thoughts, the images in front of him fading until he was once again in an alien forest talking to someone he'd thought dead for years.

"That was the last Christmas we had together," John admitted sadly. "My Dad wouldn't give me his support so I joined up without it. By the time I was ready to consider going home for Christmas it was too late ... my Mom was gone."

"And you never forgave him," Ford concluded.

"He was too busy chasing the big bucks to realise she was sick," John bit out angrily.

"And you weren't there to protect her," Ford's tone wasn't accusing but John took it that way because of his own feelings on the matter.

"I could have _saved_ her if I'd gotten to her in time," he said irrately. "Instead -."

"Sheppard?" Ronon's deep rumbling voice and the sounds of his progress through the trees towards them stopped John's tirade abruptly. He turned to watch as Ronon approached with a frown. "Who're you talking to?"

"Lieutenant Ford," Sheppard said impatiently, gesturing back to where Aiden was standing. Only trouble was he wasn't there anymore. "Where'd he go?" Sheppard looked around in confusion. "He was right there!"

Ronon made his way over to Sheppard on quiet boots, carefully scanning the ground and shrubs for clues that someone _had_ been there.

"No one's been here," Ronon advised blandly. "You sure?"

"Am I sure I was just talking to Ford?" Sheppard asked incredulously. "Would I say if I wasn't?"

"Guess not," Ronon replied, continuing to scan around looking for some kind of evidence.

"Where were you anyway?" Sheppard asked irritably. "Did you find whoever was spying on us?"

"I tracked a pack of large animals," Ronon returned casually. "Must have spooked them when we walked past."

"Good, then we can get on with the mission. Rodney, Teyla, make your way to our position," Sheppard got on the radio to order.

"What'd he say?" Ronon asked curiously, still looking around. When Sheppard glanced at him questioningly Ronon clarified. "Lieutenant Ford - what did he say to you?"

"Nothing of any value," Sheppard dismissed.

"So he came all this way just to say hello and then vanished again?" Ronon looked at John as if expecting to see some kind of replacement in his place.

"According to you I imagined the whole thing so what does it matter?" John countered irritably. Turning he saw Teyla and Rodney approaching through the trees. "Rodney, scan for life signs.

"Ah ... okay?" Rodney raised an eyebrow at Ronon enquiringly.

"He said Lieutenant Ford was here," Ronon offered, ignoring John's growl of frustration. Turning away from everyone Sheppard stood with arms folded, his whole posture a message that said 'approach at your own risk'.

"I'm not picking up anything," Rodney admitted a moment later, having dutifully run the scan even though he hadn't expected to find anything.

"Are you well John?" Teyla approached Sheppard slowly, putting a hand on his arm to draw his attention to her.

"I'm fine," John said curtly. "Just because he's not here now doesn't mean I didn't see Ford."

"If you say he was here then I believe you," Teyla affirmed.

"_Oh please _- don't encourage him!" Rodney strode over impatiently. "What he's not telling you is that he knocked himself out this morning falling over his skateboard." Glaring up at John, Rodney bit out irritably "I _told_ you to go see Jennifer didn't I?"

"It was nothing McKay," Sheppard returned casually. "At worst I've got a slight headache ... nothing to worry about."

"You've got a headache _and_ you're seeing things," Rodney retorted. "Sounds like _something_ to me."

"Perhaps we should return to Atlantis," Teyla suggested. "Have Jennifer make sure an injury is not the cause of you seeing Aiden."

"This energy reading's too weak to be a ZPM anyway," Rodney offered. "We can come back and check it out another time."

"I _said_ it was just a headache," Sheppard ground out in annoyance.

"Let it go Sheppard," Ronon spoke up, his tone bland. John looked up and saw something in Ronon's eyes that had him nodding an agreement.

"Okay, let's head back to the Jumper."

oOo

An hour later John was sitting on an infirmary bed waiting for Doctor Keller to give him the all clear. He'd managed to convince Rodney and Teyla to go finish up whatever they needed to do before the party but Ronon was being stubborn in staying by his side.

"You got special occasion days from Sateda?" Sheppard asked suddenly.

"Yeah," Ronon admitted. "Haven't celebrated any of them since ..."

"Understandable," John agreed. "Who wants to be reminded of what they've lost?"

"Is that what seeing Ford did?" Ronon asked. "Made you think about someone you lost?"

"My Mom," John admitted with a sigh. "Christmas was ... her thing. Always went all out – decorations, presents, big party ... everything. Can't even see a Christmas tree without thinking about her."

"You have people here who understand your traditions," Ronon commented. "I'd do something about mine but it's kinda hard without any Satedans here to participate."

"Sorry buddy," Sheppard felt unexpectedly guilty because he'd chosen a way to behave where Ronon hadn't had that choice.

"Well Colonel," Jennifer Keller came back into the infirmary wearing a relieved smile. "You've got a mild concussion but otherwise your scan is clean. If you promise to take a couple of hours to rest and lay off the alcohol for tonight you're free to go."

"I can do that," Sheppard agreed, swinging his legs to the floor before she could change her mind. "Come on Ronon," he urged his friend to follow him. "Thanks Doctor Keller."

"Do you think Ford really was on that planet?" Ronon asked as they walked down the corridor.

"I don't know ... maybe," Sheppard replied. "Pretty elaborate hallucination if he wasn't!"

The two men walked on, each lost in their own thoughts until they reached a junction in the corridor.

"You gonna change your mind, come to the party after all?" Ronon broached the subject blandly, careful not to put the pressure on.

"I'm gonna follow Keller's advice and go get some rest," John turned towards his quarters, not missing the solemn look Ronon threw him. "There's still plenty of time ... I'll think about it," he offered, getting a nod from Ronon before they parted ways.


	3. The Ghost Of Knowledge Present

"_He said that Christmas was a humbug, as I live!" Charles Dickens_

**Stave Three: The Ghost Of Knowledge Present**

Sheppard surprised himself by actually following Doctor Keller's advice. Once in his quarters he stretched out tiredly on his bed, dropping off to sleep between one breath and the next.

An hour later he woke refreshed and eager to find something to do ... something that _didn't_ involve mingling with anyone else of course. No sense in giving anyone else the chance to criticise his Christmas choices. Grabbing his laptop Sheppard sat cross legged on the bed and switched it on, thinking a few games of Bejewelled would distract him quite nicely.

He'd just gotten the right folder open when his computer screen was taken over with the announcement box for new email. One day he'd have to get Rodney to switch that annoyance off. Unable to ignore what could be an urgent request for something Sheppard reluctantly clicked to open it.

_Confidential ... Re requests for Christmas personal leave._

Sheppard read the subject title with a puzzled frown. It was from Doctor Jordan, the psychologist who'd stepped in to replace Kate Heightmeyer on a temporary basis. Like similar events on Atlantis the temporary placement had become permanent and Jordan had been in the role going on a year. Clicking to open the message Sheppard became even more confused.

"_Mr Woolsey, as requested please find attached files on all staff with outstanding issues re Christmas leave. Most are just Doctor Heightmeyer's notes on staff she had recommended for leave approval the next time it was requested. Kate felt close attention should be paid to these files given they were either people where previous requests had been denied or staff with particular issues over the Christmas period. Where appropriate I have added additional information based on more recent observations. Please let me know if you feel more is required. Regards, Doctor Carol Jordan._"

Thinking back over the timing Sheppard realised the files must have been one of the last things Kate had worked on before she died. That would have been a couple of months after the Christmas before last. They'd celebrated another Christmas since then ... why was Sheppard getting a message that was clearly so out of date?

More importantly, what should he do with it? Would it be wrong of him to open the attachments? Some of them could be about his own staff ... didn't he need to know if any of them were feeling resentful having to stay on Atlantis instead of going home? Talking himself into what could be seen as a breach of privacy Sheppard clicked to open the first attachment. As if to justify his decision he discovered it _was_ about one of his men ... Major Lorne in fact.

"_Major Lorne seems well adjusted to the idea of missing Christmas with his family last year_," Kate had written. "_He expressed some concern however that his nephews, the children of his only sister, would forget him given they are only four and six. I reassured the Major that children have surprisingly long and detailed memories and that they would understand the need for his absence. When I queried the fact that Major Lorne had not pushed for leave during the Christmas period he expressed reluctance to approach Colonel Sheppard. Although he was reticent to admit why, various comments I managed to coax from him made it clear he felt the Colonel would not understand the need, given his obvious impatience for anything Christmas related along with his lack of real ties back to Earth. Major Lorne is grounded by his family connections and I recommend he be allowed leave back on Earth next Christmas._"

John sat back from his laptop with a feeling of sick dismay. Major Lorne thought he had contempt for people who liked Christmas because he didn't? And worse still, that he wouldn't understand the desire to be back on Earth this time of year because he didn't really have any family to speak of? Talk about getting a kick in the gut from a ghost! Kate had been gone for over a year and yet John could almost hear her gentle voice reproaching him for his attitude and encouraging him to keep an open mind.

Thinking back to this year's leave requests Sheppard groaned aloud. Woolsey had recommended Lorne's leave application be approved but John had overruled it, and for purely selfish reasons too. He hadn't wanted to deal personally with anything Christmas related ... he'd _needed_ Lorne around to act in his place. The same had been true last year when Sam was still in charge ... in fact Major Lorne hadn't been granted any leave over Christmas since he'd been stationed to Atlantis.

Crap!

Worse still, Major Lorne had given no personal indication that he wasn't happy being right where he was. That only made John feel even guiltier, knowing Lorne had been hiding his disappointment because he hadn't believed John would understand.

Not sure he wanted to read anything else, Sheppard none the less felt compelled to click on the next attachment. After reading only a couple of lines he began to wish he hadn't.

"_Kyle Radcliffe has personal issues to deal with back home but was denied leave over the Christmas period_," Kate's explanation began. "_He was told that his previous leave taken only a few months prior put his needs behind those who hadn't been back to Earth for more than a year. Rather than explain his reasons for requesting leave at that time Kyle repressed his feelings and focussed diligently on his work. When I questioned him about what was going on back on Earth Kyle admitted that his mother had recently been diagnosed with cancer. She'd insisted that he stay with his job rather than risk his career with an early return or worse yet a resignation. Kyle is well used to conceding to her wishes and did so without comment to anyone on Atlantis. Based on the promise of Doctor McKay that he would get leave the following Christmas Kyle resigned himself to maintaining contact with his mother and her condition through his brother and family friends. I recommend that Kyle be granted additional leave at the earliest opportunity to allow him time back on Earth with his Mother._"

"Kyle Radcliffe?" Sheppard mused under his breath. Why did that name sound so familiar?

And then it hit him. Radcliffe had been the technician working with Doctor Zelenka the day Elizabeth's human form Replicator friends had come to Atlantis a few months ago.

The one who'd been with Radek in the Power Room when Koracen had tried to take over the city.

The one struck and killed by a lethal bolt of pure energy.

Quickly calling up Radcliffe's personal record Sheppard slumped in dejected dismay as he registered the implications of its contents. Radcliffe _hadn't_ been granted that additional leave ... at least not in time for it to make a difference. His mother had died a month before Christmas last year ... Kyle hadn't even seen her again, hadn't had the chance to say goodbye. And he'd never put in another request for any further leave before he'd been killed ... not as far as Sheppard could work out anyway.

_Why_ hadn't Radcliffe been granted that leave in time?

The evidence after delving a bit deeper had Sheppard cringing even more. _He'd _denied that request too ... because Radek had needed Radcliffe for some work off world. Rodney had wanted to keep Radek happy by making sure he had someone to do the work so Radek wouldn't have to go off world himself. And Sheppard had wanted to keep Rodney happy so he'd let Rodney make him the bad guy and personally denied the leave request ... without looking into it in more detail first. So because John hadn't wanted to give Rodney more reason for complaining he'd cheated a son of his last chance to say goodbye to his mother.

Sheppard felt like the walls were closing in around him, the similarity to his own past too cutting to ignore. His headache returned with a vengeance, painful waves throbbing from his neck across his forehead. John fell back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling as he concentrated on pushing down the memories and the anxious, angry feelings they carried with them. Usually he could do it but his coping mechanisms didn't seem to be kicking in. Rather than help with his control, the closed eyes and even breathing left his mind clear to play back in vivid detail another memory, this one much more recent.

"_You said Dad regretted what happened," John sat across from his brother Dave in their parent's home ... well Dave's home now, only days after his father's funeral. "How can you know that?"_

"_Because he told me," Dave said simply. "He knew you were angry about Mom's illness. He felt guilty too ... just like you. Thinking he could have saved her if he'd noticed in time even though the doctors told him it wouldn't have mattered. That day, her funeral, he was angry too because he knew Mom was disappointed she didn't get to see you before she ... you know. He blamed your choice of career for that – even then you were difficult to get a hold of."_

"_I don't remember it like that," John admitted in surprise. "It just seemed like he didn't care it was Mom's funeral ... that it was just another chance for him to try to control me. He'd mapped out my whole life and couldn't resist suggesting everything would have turned out differently if I'd just towed the line."_

"_You were never very good at that," Dave said fondly, "even when you were trying to pretend you'd play along."_

"_This life," John gestured around the rooms of an obviously wealthy lifestyle, "it's not for me. I don't have anything against you living it but ... I'd suffocate if I had to live like this."_

"_Deep down Dad knew that," Dave returned. "That's part of what he regretted, that he never showed you he _did_ understand you. Not like Mom but enough to see this wasn't where you needed to be."_

"_I wish he could have told me that himself," John said sadly._

"_If his funeral brings the two of us back together he'd call that a win/win," Dave pointed out with a rueful laugh. "Assuming this _does_ mean you won't be such a stranger anymore?"_

"_I only get leave once a year," John told him. "Where I'm stationed? It's a lot further away, and a lot more remote than you'd think."_

"_Then I'll get in now and ask you to come for a longer visit this Christmas," Dave said pleasantly._

"_Dave," John protested bitterly. "Not Christmas ... I can't."_

"_You haven't celebrated Christmas since Mom died have you?" Dave queried in astonishment. "She wouldn't have wanted you to live your life like that John."_

"_You remember that last Christmas, the one before I joined up?" John asked his brother softly. Dave nodded with a fond smile. "That was the perfect holiday. Nothing I've had going on since even came close and ... it's not the same without the enthusiasm ... the sheer joy she brought to everything. What's the point in trying to duplicate something you know you can never match?"_

"_Don't you have friends, people you care about?" Dave asked intently. "Do you just bury yourself in a hole when December 24__th__ rolls around? They let you get away with that?"_

"_Can we not talk about this right now?" John retorted dismissively._

"_All these years I've been picturing you doing the 'team equals family' thing with your air force buddies," Dave said with a look of dawning and somewhat unpleasant understanding. "But you haven't, have you? Please tell me you haven't been closing yourself off for the past twenty years!"_

"_People die," John shot back grimly. "I _had_ friends ... family ... and for a time that was enough to replace what I thought I'd lost. But it never lasted and I always ended up being forced to count on myself. Now I just skip to the end ... saves on personal energy when you're not bothered by the need to construct elaborate fantasies that can never make it in the real world."_

"_I thought I envied you the freedom," Dave said weakly. "Now ...?"_

"_It's not all bad," John insisted. "I might have lost but I've also saved a few too."_

"_Just not the ones who counted," Dave concluded._

"_Not always," Sheppard agreed like that truth wasn't as disturbing as it sounded._

John snapped back to reality with a gasp, rubbing a hand to his aching forehead in dismay. That had been too real, too close to things he tried never to think about. All because of a message not even meant for him!

Sitting back up Sheppard pulled his laptop towards him, prepared to delete the offending email without pause. But his eyes betrayed him, feeding to his unsuspecting vision the name of the last file attachment.

_LeaveReview_J_Sheppard._

Kate had been keeping a file on his leave habits? She'd put _his_ name in with the batch of staff she'd recommended for leave last Christmas? Why would she do that?

Resolutely double clicking on his file John waited impatiently for it to load, eyes quickly scanning the words once they'd been displayed.

_Colonel Sheppard hasn't put in a formal request for leave over the Christmas period and it is worth noting that he has worked through the holiday every year since arriving on Atlantis. Assessment of his leave records prior to his placement here indicate he was in the habit of volunteering for duty on Christmas day. One can only surmise that John is using work commitments to avoid confronting issues of particular relevance over Christmas. An observation of John's behaviour, particularly over the Christmas holiday, raises concerns that should be addressed. The Colonel is extremely supportive of others but doesn't avail himself of that same support in return. He often makes light of his own concerns, be they physical or mental in nature, and prefers to segregate himself in remote parts of the city to deal with issues. His coping mechanisms are all about denial and avoidance rather than confrontation and acceptance and he holds himself responsible for events well outside of his control. Given that his service record, along with what I know of his experiences in the Pegasus galaxy, is weighed down with the loss of colleagues and team mates, the fact that these mechanisms are still providing some protection from emotional distress is frankly amazing. It concerns me what would happen to John should his usual coping methods no longer prove effective. _

_The Colonel has always been reluctant to discuss his family ... with little to indicate what if any ties he might have back home. Some independent research revealed that John in fact does have a father and brother back on Earth who he hasn't seen for many years. I can't say whether his disconnection from his family is a symptom or the cause of his reluctance to engage in deeper relationships here on Atlantis but clearly there are issues to be resolved. I therefore recommend that Colonel Sheppard be scheduled for leave over Christmas next year to allow him the opportunity to at the very least reconnect with his family._

Sheppard frowned as he came to the end of Kate's notes, not sure whether he was more bothered that Kate had believed he didn't have meaningful relationships or that she thought his coping methods were in danger of not working.

The level of anxiety evoked by the idea that all his past issues could suddenly break free of the box he'd welded them in answered that question for him. He needed to count on his ability to repress the things he didn't have time or inclination to deal with. If events from the past started cropping up in the present John was going to be in big trouble. In fact he felt on the edge of having a meltdown right then just thinking about all the ways he could self destruct.

"Don't go there," he urged himself. "Think about something else John."

Something else, like why the hell that file had been sent to him in the first place! And he refused to believe it had anything to do with what he'd hallucinated with Holland and Ford earlier in the day. There was a logical reason for it ... he just needed some help working it out.

"You got a minute McKay?" Sheppard radioed Rodney once he'd decided to share his latest experience.

"What do you need?" Rodney asked first.

"I need you to trace an email I just received," Sheppard revealed. "It wasn't addressed to me and I'm worried maybe it's a symptom of some kind of system problem."

"I've got some time before the party," Rodney replied. "Where are you?"

"Quarters," Sheppard revealed. "I'm using my laptop here."

"I'll see you in five," Rodney said briskly before switching off.

oOo

Rodney turned up as promised, snapping his fingers impatiently until Sheppard vacated the position in front of his desk where he'd moved his laptop.

"Which message is it?" Rodney called up the email program and looked over at John expectantly.

"The one from Doctor Jordan," Sheppard pointed vaguely to the screen.

"What message from Doctor Jordan?" Rodney glanced at the laptop before looking back to John with a frown.

"The one titled 'Christmas leave' ... it's right there!" John pulled the laptop around so he could see it. He could feel the wave of panic sweeping over him when he realised the message wasn't sitting in his inbox anymore. "What'd you do?!" he demanded heatedly.

"_Me_?" Rodney bit back. "I didn't touch a thing ... are you sure Jennifer gave you a clean bill of health?"

"_Yes_," Sheppard retorted impatiently. "I had a message there McKay ... can't you check some kind of log, see if it got deleted somehow?"

"Of course," Rodney bent over the laptop, tapping and muttering as he cycled through screens too quickly for John to follow. After an embarrassingly short time Rodney sat back with a less than satisfied expression.

"I can't find any evidence of that specific message," Rodney revealed. "But there is some kind of glitch in the system."

"What glitch?" Sheppard asked.

"The system usually stores sent emails in archive for 28 days and then they get purged from the network," Rodney explained. "Some time back the purge didn't activate properly and the buffer's been getting more and more crowded ever since. Today it reached critical mass so to speak – couldn't hold any more files. It's possible that if the system couldn't work how to remove them, it _might_ have forwarded them randomly inside the network."

"So maybe it sent the message to me initially and then recalled it once the error was recognised," Sheppard suggested.

"I guess," Rodney's tone broadcast that he thought it extremely unlikely that was what had actually happened. "It might not have been something current at all. From what I can tell there are messages in there dating back to last Christmas ... obviously the email purge hasn't been working properly for ages."

Sheppard nodded, ignoring Rodney's scepticism ... that _would_ make sense. Not that it made the contents any less meaningful ... in fact it probably made them worse because he'd added to mistakes he'd already made with people like Major Lorne since Kate had composed those notes. The guilt was there ... along with a healthy case of worry when a sudden thought occured to him.

"Wait, does that mean other people might have gotten the same email as well?" he asked in concern.

"No," Rodney rolled his eyes at having to explain something he thought everyone would understand. "The system wouldn't treat the overload files like real messages ... at most it would want to park them somewhere, like in one persons in box. Why? Something in that email that concerns you?"

"Not exactly," Sheppard dismissed, hoping Rodney would just let it drop.

"Did Doctor Jordan think _you_ needed Christmas leave?" Rodney persisted. When John frowned at his accuracy he exclaimed "Oh what? It's not like the title didn't give a pretty good indication of what the message is about!"

"The message could have been about anyone Rodney," Sheppard reminded him. "It's a breach of their privacy to even know it exists."

"But you looked at it, right?" Rodney retorted.

"I looked at the first couple of attachments," Sheppard admitted. "Even that was more than I should have done."

"Doesn't matter now," Rodney pointed out. "And it's not like you're gonna tell anyone that you read their stuff."

"Do you ...," Sheppard glanced at Rodney before deciding to continue. "Do you think I come over as impatient with anyone who's into the Christmas thing?"

"Yes," Rodney said abruptly before relenting somewhat. "For those of us who've put up with you for a while no, but everyone else probably does think you're a bit of a Scrooge."

"Oh," Sheppard didn't know what to say.

"You could convince them they're all wrong by showing your face tonight," Rodney suggested.

"I'll think about it," Sheppard offered reluctantly. "In the meantime you need to fix that purge thing so no more emails get delivered to the wrong in box."

"Shouldn't take long," Rodney jumped up and headed for the door. Pausing at the threshold he glanced back at Sheppard awkwardly. "You know ... if you ever want to talk about ... whatever Kate thought you should be talking about ... you could, you know ... talk to me."

"I appreciate the offer Rodney," Sheppard replied, genuinely touched that Rodney would offer something he was so clearly uncomfortable with.

"Okay then," Rodney resumed his exit. "Maybe I'll see you at the party."

"And maybe you won't," Sheppard muttered under his breath once Rodney had left. Just because he'd agreed to think about attending didn't mean he had any intention of changing his mind! Obviously he'd have to be much more diligent about checking leave requests before denying them but otherwise he was quite happy that nothing in his world had changed.

**Authors Note:**

Apologies if this chapter is a bit light on conversation ... couldn't think of any other way to do what I wanted with the story. I'm assuming Christmases take place at the end of each season so Kate Heightmeyer would have been commenting on Christmas Season 3 with recommendations for Christmas Season 4. And of course this is set now - Christmas Season 5. I made up Kate's replacement because I couldn't find anywhere a reference to who took over from her ... if someone else knows about that let me know and I'll amend the story appropriately. I also made up a background to go with the nameless technician who was killed in 'Ghost in the machine' ... I don't think he ever even had a name.

Finally, I couldn't help but notice there are two or three other Christmas stories based on a Christmas Carol doing the rounds ... I haven't read them yet but I hope mine is different enough to still keep you interested!

Only two chapters left ... definitely being posted before Christmas.


	4. The Ghost Of Fears Future

"_Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead." Charles Dickens_

**Stave Four: The Ghost of Fears Future**

Sheppard hung out in his room for a couple of hours before finally conceding to boredom. Someone had to maintain a presence in the Control Room ... the party hadn't started yet but maybe he could offer his services in advance.

"Colonel Sheppard, great timing," Amelia Banks greeted his arrival happily. "We're picking up some kind of anomalous energy reading."

"Where?" Sheppard stepped closer to look at the map of the city over Amelia's shoulder.

"Here," Amelia pointed to a remote location near where they'd discovered the nanite virus in the first year.

"You haven't checked with Rodney or Radek?" Sheppard asked curiously.

"I mentioned it to Doctor McKay just before you arrived Sir," Amelia reported. "He said send someone down to have a look ... they might not be able to fix the problem but at the very least they could switch off whatever's generating it."

"I'll go," Sheppard offered quickly.

"But the party Sir," Amelia pointed out. "Everyone will expect you there."

"It's still an hour away Banks," Sheppard pointed out. "I could be back in plenty of time to see the wondrous beginning for this year's party." "_If I wanted to_," he added in his head.

"Of course Sir," Amelia replied respectfully.

"Let McKay and Mr Woolsey know where I've gone," Sheppard called out as he headed back down the stairs.

After stopping on the way to grab a pack with the usual exploration equipment included - rope, flashlight, med kit, and of course Ancient scanner - Sheppard set a brisk pace out away from the central Tower.

That part of the city was kept at minimal power, meaning the lights did that cool trick of turning on at his approach and then switching off behind him. He'd never admit it, but having the ATA gene as strongly as he did was still a source of great satisfaction for him. Particularly when he could do something Rodney couldn't!

Walking quickly through the deserted Atlantis corridors it felt like he could be the only person awake in the city ... that was until his radio crackled into life.

"_Sheppard_," Rodney's irritable tone translated nicely through the radio link.

"McKay," John returned mildly.

"What are you doing?" Rodney queried.

"Checking out that anomalous energy reading," Sheppard said casually.

"I didn't mean for you to go do it personally!" Rodney snapped.

"What, you think someone who actually wants to go to the party should miss out on the beginning?" Sheppard asked pointedly. "Its fine McKay ... I'll just go switch off whatever got turned on and be back your way before you can say 'Merry Christmas'."

"Very funny," Rodney griped. "Just ... check in when you get there okay? Knowing your luck you'll find some way to injure yourself out there all alone."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence McKay," Sheppard complained. "I'll let you know what I find. Sheppard out."

Shaking his head at Rodney's teasing John continued on his way.

Fifteen minutes later he turned a corner, now only metres away from the source of the energy reading. Holding his scanner out in front of him Sheppard walked slowly until he arrived at the right doorway.

Swiping his hand over the door controls he waited until the doors swished open and then stepped over the threshold cautiously. It was dark inside, the faint illumination from a console directly across from him casting an eerie glow against the walls. Thinking the lights on didn't have any effect so Sheppard paused to get his flashlight out, shining it curiously around the room.

"I'm here Rodney," he reported, torch showing that 'here' was a room Ancient Lab size but without the usual decorative touches on wall and ceiling. In fact the walls were strangely smooth and non reflective, absorbing the light when John tried to highlight them more clearly. Apart from the control console there was a raised circular dais in the middle of the room, nothing obvious to indicate what it was for.

"Have you worked out what's giving off that energy?" Rodney asked impatiently.

"I only just got here," Sheppard protested. "Plus the lights aren't switching on so it's a little hard to see."

"That's strange," Rodney replied with a frown in his tone. "Usually if anything's powered the lights work too."

"There's a console here that's lit up," Sheppard reported. "Shall I ...?"

"Take a look?" Rodney completed. "Yeah, but don't touch anything!"

Sheppard skirted around the dais and across to the console. Looking down at the display screen he saw an Ancient symbol flashing a regular beat.

"There's something flashing on the console," Sheppard told Rodney. "The Ancient symbol's kinda familiar ... I think it's something to do with sensors."

"Ah ... maybe some kind of system programmed to check status at regular intervals," Rodney surmised. "It's likely something went wrong when it tried to run a scheduled procedure."

"So how do I fix it then?" Sheppard asked.

"You should just be able to tap on the flashing symbol and it'll reset and then run whatever was scheduled," Rodney advised.

"Okay, I'm activating it now," Sheppard returned.

Tapping a finger against the flashing symbol Sheppard stepped back a pace and waited to see what would happen. He didn't notice anything at first because his attention was focussed on the screen.

"Please state the nature of your enquiry," a female voice issued from the centre of the room.

"What the ...?" John looked up in amazement. There on the dais stood the holographic image of an Ancient Lantean woman, not the same one as in the Hologram room they'd discovered the first day but similar enough that her origins were immediately apparent.

"What?" Rodney demanded impatiently. "Sheppard?"

"It's another hologram room Rodney," Sheppard said in amusement.

"Why would they put one all the way out there?" Rodney queried.

"I don't know but I'm assuming I can switch it off the same way we do the other one," Sheppard stepped back to the console and put his hands on the sensors either side, completely ignoring Rodney's cries to wait.

Immediately a beam of light shot down from the ceiling and enclosed him in a force field column just barely wide enough for him to stand in.

"Rodney?" Sheppard tapped his earpiece and waited for a reply. "McKay, are you reading me?" Still nothing. "_Great_," he thought. Whatever it was had him shut off from the rest of Atlantis ... Rodney was probably already panicking thinking something had happened to him!

More lights shot out from the ceiling, dancing over his skin and making everything tingle like fingers seeking and searching for something. A wave of dizziness washed over him as the tingling made its way inside his head, sending his thoughts wildly in a dozen different directions too fast to comprehend. Just when it got to the stage of real pain the force field dropped.

Sheppard slumped to his knees, catching himself with arms folded over the console.

"McKay?" he asked hesitantly.

Silence greeted him, so whatever had cut him off was still in operation. Pushing himself to standing John took a moment to steady and then looked around curiously. The hologram was still standing waiting for interaction in the centre of the room but the shimmery light of a force field over the doorway was a new addition. That explained why he still couldn't get a radio signal out.

"Please state the nature of your enquiry," the hologram intoned again.

"_Might as well_," Sheppard thought, looking at the Lantean woman assessingly. "How do I switch off the force field and get out of here?" he asked.

"This room was designed to reveal glimpses of whatever you wish to know," the hologram replied. "After operation the security measures will automatically shut down."

"So you're telling me I have to get you to show me something _before _I can leave?" Sheppard asked incredulously.

"Only those with questions come to talk with Posterus," the hologram said blandly.

"That's your name, Posterus?" Sheppard frowned, the meaning of that word on the edges of his memory.

"The name of the device that generates this image," Posterus clarified. "It serves as a name as well as any other."

"Great," Sheppard muttered under his breath. "What next?!"

Until then the walls had been black ... the moment he'd finished mumbling colours began swirling from deep within them, giving the impression they were much thicker than they could possibly be. Sheppard found his gaze pinned to the display as the colours expanded until they filled the entire space from ceiling to floor.

The swirling slowed and then settled into a picture that had him frowning in confusion.

_"He needs your help John!" a slightly older Ronon growled. _

He was standing in the Gateroom of Atlantis talking to another man with his back to the viewpoint presented on the wall. That man turned and John's stomach dropped. It was _him _... maybe two or three years older if the additional grey at his temples was any indicator.

_"Teyla moved away," the older John countered. "If she'd wanted me to be involved in Torren's life she wouldn't have cut herself off from Atlantis."_

_"You forced her into it!" Ronon retorted. "You were so determined not to let her see how you felt that you convinced her you felt nothing at all. She had no reason to stay!."_

_"She seemed pretty happy with Kanaan," older John pointed out sarcastically._

_"And what about Torren?" Ronon demanded. "Are you going to let your stubbornness kill him when you could help?"_

_"I'm not stopping you from taking him back to Earth," older John replied, turning away from Ronon resolutely. "You don't need me for that. I haven't been back to Earth since McKay returned there and I'm not going back now, not even for Torren."_

_"You're weak Sheppard," Ronon ground out. "I respected you! But now? I don't even know you anymore and I sure as hell can't trust you. Once I've got Torren back with McKay we're finished."_

_"You do what you have to do," older John was emotionless ... blank of expression or feeling. "Tell Rodney I said hi."_

_"Tell him yourself!" Ronon retorted angrily, throwing John one last angry glare before turning and striding away._

"What the hell is this?" Sheppard demanded of the hologram.

"This is Posterus," she replied complacently. "That which is subsequent to the here and now ... the future."

"No it isn't," Sheppard countered impatiently. "There's no way I'd let my team split up like that!"

"Sometimes a chosen course of action can lead to unexpected consequences," Posterous pointed out. "Consequences that shape the future."

"I didn't ask to see the future!" John retorted. "Now shut off the force field and let me out of here."

"Your query has not been fully explored," Posterus replied.

"Fine, I'll get myself out of here," John looked down at the console, searching for something that looked like an off switch.

"I cannot allow you to do that," Posterus intoned.

Blue lights shimmered up from the ground at Sheppard's feet, travelling rapidly up to his waist where they stopped. John tried to take a step but it was like his legs had been encased in concrete. He couldn't move even a millimetre, the feeling of total restraint causing anger, frustration and a fair amount of anxiety to bubble up inside him.

"LET ME GO!" he yelled impatiently.

"When you have seen all that I can show you," Posterus promised. "Look now."

John's eyes were drawn back to the wall where the colours swirled again. They settled quicker this time, coalescing into a primitive encampment, ragged tents pitched close together amidst the meagre shelter of thinly spaced trees.

_"Ronon?" A frail voice called from inside one of the tents. A familiar figure appeared from another tent, long coat flapping as he moved quickly towards that voice. The 'camera' followed him inside, focussing on the woman lying weakly in the bed, hand outstretched._

_"Teyla," a much older Ronon spoke softly. Taking the woman's hand he held it carefully as though she would break if he squeezed too hard._

John wouldn't have believed it was Teyla if Ronon hadn't named her. He guessed maybe ten years had gone by since the first glimpse of the future but Teyla looked much older than that, her face sunken and pale, her hair liberally streaked with grey.

__

_"Where is Torren?" she asked, her expression anxious and panicked. _

"Back on Earth with Rodney," Ronon replied in such a way that it was clear she'd asked the question many times in the past.

_"I would like to see him before I die," Teyla said faintly._

_"He'll come when he can," Ronon's eyes sparkled with tears as he reassured his friend._

_"And John too?" Teyla looked up hopefully. "You spoke to John?"_

_"I left a message," Ronon's tone was suddenly less gentle as he struggled to contain his emotions._

_"Please ... can you try again?" Teyla pleaded._

_"I'll try," Ronon promised, patting her hand. A movement at the tent opening drew his attention to the doorway where another man was standing. Getting up Ronon walked over to talk with him._

_"Haling," he greeted the other man in an almost whisper._

_"She asks for Torren again?" Haling asked sadly._

_"Yeah," Ronon returned. "The illness is affecting her memory even more now. I don't know ... maybe it's kinder that she believes Torren is alive back on Earth rather than remembering that he died as a boy ten years ago."_

_"She has forgotten her anger with Colonel Sheppard as well," Haling commented._

_"I haven't spoken to him in eleven years and yet ...," Ronon trailed off angrily. "If I could get my hands on him right now I'd strangle the life out of his miserable body."_

_"Ronon?" Teyla's voice drew their attention back to her. _

_"Are you in pain?" Ronon dropped to his knees on the floor beside her. "What can I do?"_

_"I am trying to hold on but it is so hard," Teyla said weakly. Her hand shook as she touched Ronon's face fondly. "You have been a good friend ... and a great comfort. I am sorry you had to go through this with me."_

_"I love you," Ronon told her, his voice shaking with emotion. "I wish ..."_

_"There was nothing you could do," Teyla's expression was more like the her of John's time. "Soon I will be with Torren again." Her expression sharpened as she looked up at Ronon intently. "Tell John I forgave him."_

_Ronon knelt frozen, watching as Teyla sighed once before going still. _

_She was gone. _

_Ronon's expression was naked with grief, tears tracking silently down his face before he bent over Teyla's body and lent his forehead against hers._

"Stop!" Sheppard pleaded grimly, struggling physically to turn away even though he already knew he couldn't. "That's enough!"

"It will be enough when your query has been answered," Posterus returned.

"You're telling me this is the future, that what I just saw is gonna happen sometime?" Sheppard demanded, using his anger to distract him from the well of emotions caused by witnessing the suffering of his friends. He hadn't been there ... why hadn't he been there?!

"It is one possible future, yes," Posterus replied. "Even one small change can result in a future much different from the one you just saw."

"I can change that ... make it so Teyla doesn't die like that?" Sheppard focussed on the most important detail to him.

"You must or what I have shown you _will _happen," Posterus promised. "There is one final vision necessary to complete your query."

Sheppard turned his eyes reluctantly back to the wall, fearful now of what else he would be shown.

Colours swirled, the picture changed and took shape ... the cemetery at Arlington. The 'camera' zoomed in on one particular marker where two men in uniform stood talking.

_"Sorry I couldn't get here in time," General Evan Lorne apologised sadly. "Nobody attended?" _

_"No," the other man, not recognisable to John replied. "I oversaw the placement of the marker myself ... as a sign of respect."_

_"He always was a difficult man to know," Lorne shared. "Friendly on the outside sure ... but you just never knew what he was thinking. He hardly seemed to care about himself most of the time. He became even more reclusive after he retired ... lost contact with pretty much everyone."_

_"The General was decorated many times," the other man commented._

_"Yeah," Lorne agreed. "One of the most highly decorated officers in air force history ... because he threw himself into every mission not caring about his own future. Saved a hell of a lot of people that way but what did it get him? A chest full of medals and a funeral nobody came to. It's a shame really ... he had friends when I served with him, good friends, but he drove them away."_

_"Well, he's at peace now," the other man concluded. Both men looked down at the marker, the 'camera' obliging by following their eyes._

_Major General John Sheppard ... 05-Jan-1967 to 11-Nov-2050_

"Crap!" Sheppard closed his eyes on the scene, deeply troubled by the summary of his life it represented.

"This is the end you will come to unless you change things now," Posterus intoned. "Take more responsibility for your own happiness and for the connections you currently enjoy ... and less for all the wrongs that have occured around you ... or you will loose everything."

Consumed with his thoughts he didn't notice when Posterus vanished and the force field around his legs disappeared ... ill prepared John found himself abruptly sitting on the floor. His emotions were so raw he just stayed there, leaning weakly against the console with his head in his hands, everything inside jumpy and uncomfortable.

Was that what his life was going to be? He'd let Teyla leave without a fight ... acted so badly that Ronon had stopped respecting him. And Rodney had returned to Earth ... had left John behind. Did they really not know him enough to see the emotions he held for them inside? Or had they just gotten tired of having to work so hard to get him to reveal anything?

"John?" Teyla's voice called to him from the doorway.

"_Teyla_?" Sheppard looked up quickly. The lights came on just as he made eye contact, the fact that she was young and beautiful and just so damn fit and healthy slamming into him forcefully. "Teyla!" Surging to his feet he was in front of her in an instant, gathering her into his arms and holding on tightly.

"John?" Teyla queried worriedly, hesitantly hugging him back. "Are you all right?"

"I am now," Sheppard replied, settling his chin on her shoulder as he continued to hug her close. She let him take the time he needed, saying nothing as she waited patiently for him to explain. "I'm sorry," he finally stepped back and looked at her apologetically.

"Sorry for what?" Teyla asked in surprise. "You have done nothing to apologise for."

"Not now," Sheppard agreed. "But in the future? That's a different story."

"I do not understand," Teyla frowned in confusion.

"I'll explain it later," Sheppard promised. "What are you doing here?"

"Rodney became concerned when he lost contact with you," Teyla explained. "I volunteered to come down here while he attempted to get more power to this section."

"That explains the lights," John smiled, still feeling that overwhelming happiness that she was alive and well.

"What is this room?" Teyla asked curiously.

"Hologram Room with a twist," John explained. "You step up on the dais and then the Hologram makes things appear on the walls."

"What things?" Teyla raised an eyebrow at the idea.

"The future," John revealed. "Look, I'll show you." Not waiting for Teyla's protest John strode to the Control console and put his hands down firmly on the controls. He shouldn't have been surprised when nothing happened but for some reason he was. "It _was_ working," he insisted, looking across at Teyla to see if she believed him. "I must have broken it somehow," John grimaced imagining how Rodney was going to take that.

"No matter ... it is late. Perhaps Rodney can come back and study this room tomorrow," Teyla suggested. "Are you ready to head back to the main tower?"

"I'm ready," John agreed, taking her hand and leading her to the door.

**Authors Note:**

I hope you all don't mind my last ghost wasn't another character gone from the show ... couldn't resist weaving in an Ancient - after all they're the biggest ghosts of all who keep cropping up in one form or another! Also I used Joe Flanigan's birthdate for Sheppard's marker at Arlington ... because he doesn't seem to have one and it made sense and because I couldn't think of a reason to choose any other date. If you _are_ Joe Flanigan and you're actually reading this (runs off squeeling OMG ... okay, back now) _and_ you're offended I ripped off your birthdate, just let me know and I'll change it :D.

One last chapter to go ... I'll post it early (in Australia anyway) Christmas Eve.


	5. The End And The Beginning Of It All

"_I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future!" Charles Dickens._

**Stave Five: The End ... And The Beginning Of It All.**

Sheppard and Teyla walked in companionable silence down darkened corridors on their way back to the main tower. John was lost in his own thoughts ... cycling repeatedly through the days events. When they got to the intersection leading to his quarters he stopped, knowing the time had come to make his first significant change.

"John?" Teyla stopped too, looking at Sheppard expectantly.

"Do you mind waiting?" he asked her hesitantly, nerves jumping as he waited for her to work out why.

"You are coming to the party after all?" Teyla asked in surprise.

"If you'll let me escort you?" Sheppard replied almost shyly, eyes on the floor as he waited for her response.

"I would be honoured," Teyla said with a gracious smile.

"Okay," Sheppard grinned with little boy enthusiasm. "Just let me go get cleaned up. I'll be five minutes!"

"I will wait," Teyla moved over to a nearby couch and sat down graciously. John took real notice for the first time of the dress she was wearing, a swirling concoction of blues that flattered her figure.

"You look ... amazing," he said appreciatively.

"Thank you," Teyla smiled at the compliment. When John just stood there looking at her she laughed, urging him on with a wave of her hand. "Go!"

"Right," Sheppard blinked a couple of times, threw her an embarrassed smile and then hurried off to his room.

"You did good," the voice of Captain Holland greeted him as soon as he walked through the door.

"_You again_," Sheppard said in dismay. "What do you want this time?"

"To make sure you really did get the message," Holland replied. "From that scene back there I'd say you did."

"Did you do all this?" Sheppard asked. "Ford, that email from Kate, Posterus. Did you arrange that?"

"In a manner of speaking," Holland replied cryptically. "Like I said, you always were a stubborn son of a bitch. Had to pull out all the stops to get you to really listen."

"Oh I listened all right," Sheppard said with a grim laugh. "Hard not to when you're watching your friends suffer and die!"

"Just friends?" Holland queried meaningfully.

"As of right now yeah," Sheppard agreed simply.

"She _is _free to feel for you as you do for her," Holland revealed.

"I already knew Teyla and Kanaan weren't together like that," Sheppard explained. "That wasn't what was holding me back."

"I know," Holland smiled. "I just wanted to make sure you knew it too."

"That future stuff, it made me realise something," Sheppard sat on his bed, really looking at his friend for the first time. "I always thought I could avoid getting hurt if I didn't commit myself to belonging to anyone. Couldn't stop myself from caring but controlling how I saw it? I really thought I could minimise the risks if I kept the barriers up. Seeing Teyla dying just blew that out of the water."

"How?" Holland asked.

"Just because you don't belong to something doesn't mean you won't feel anything when it's gone," Sheppard concluded. "In that future I spent my whole life denying that I had any feelings for Teyla and yet seeing her die like that was ...," he swallowed hard, the echo of grief and loss still too close to the surface. "It felt _real_ ... and it was just as difficult as any other losses I can remember."

"You _can _change it," Holland promised. "You've already begun."

"Thanks," Sheppard looked at his friend with real gratitude. "I appreciate the heads up ... being that pathetic old man is _not_ how I want my life turning out but I can see now that would have been the natural conclusion."

"Glad to be of service Sir," Holland gave a mock salute.

"Listen," Sheppard continued. "Assuming this was all real ... assuming Posterus really is a device that lets you glimpse the future ... I need you to disable it. Seeing the future was difficult - it's nothing like you'd imagine, and not something anyone should covet. I don't want someone stumbling across the room, especially someone like Rodney who could easily fix it."

"Already done," Holland reassured John. "Don't you have a party to go to?"

"Crap!" John jumped up when he got a look at the clock. "I gotta get ready."

"Goodbye Shep," Holland said in a solemn tone.

"It was good seeing you again Neal," Sheppard replied. He stood for a moment before hesitantly asking one final question. "It _was_ all real right? You really _were_ here?"

"Reality is a state of mind," Holland seemed to be enjoying his cryptic facade just a little too much. "I was if you believe I was," Holland's image flashed brightly before disappearing, the faint sounds of his laughter lingering in the air.

Even though Sheppard had already taken longer than he'd promised Teyla he couldn't help but sit back down on his bed for a few moments once Holland had vanished. It was hard to believe his life could go from where it was right then to somewhere so unexpected ... and _lonely_. That he'd get to a place where he'd willingly let go of his closest friends ... and not just let go - actively drive away astounded him. That was as big a wake up call as the specific events he'd been forced to witness. Maybe he _had_ been taking too much responsibility for everything that happened around him ... using that as an excuse to check out of everything else, to cruise without putting in the effort needed to make something permanent. Seeing that solitary marker in a military cementary was the ultimate conclusion to phrases like 'you get out what you put in' and 'you reap what you sow'. He'd put little of himself into his personal relationships because he'd _needed_ to protect himself from feeling like he had when he'd been forced to cut ties with his family, along with all the other losses he'd had to endure every time he let someone get close. Clearly continuing down that track was no longer an option. He _had_ to stop that future from happening ... he had to do whatever it took to change it.

Did his day really happen as it had in his perceptions? Sheppard guessed he'd never know and in the end it didn't even matter. Real or imagined, the events of the day had taught him a much needed lesson he was determined to act upon. To borrow the words of the original Scrooge he intended to live with the past, the present, _and_ the future ... starting right then.

oOo

It caused quite a stir when Sheppard and Teyla walked into the party, her hand resting lightly on his arm. It seemed that everyone froze momentarily before motion began again, couples dancing together in one section while elsewhere groups of people talked and laughed. The whole place reeked Christmas, from the enormous tree heavy with ornaments to the lights and mistletoe that hung from every available place.

"I don't believe it," Rodney said incredulously when John and Teyla arrived at their team table. "You actually turned up!"

"Rodney!" Jennifer looked at her boyfriend in exasperation, offering John an apologetic smile.

"Glad you changed your mind," Ronon commented, slouched in a chair across from Rodney watching the festivities with curious interest.

"Had to," John turned to Teyla with a smile. "Can't very well ask Teyla to dance with me if I'm not here, can I?" Watching her closely he was pleased to see her 'surprised but in a good way' smile. "Will you?"

"I would be delighted to dance with you John," Teyla took the hand he offered and let him lead her out across the dance floor.

"It's been a while since I've done this," Sheppard quipped nervously, clasping her hand in his and putting his other hand at her waist.

"We will work it out together," Teyla reassured him.

He needn't have worried ... they danced in perfect harmony, using what they knew of each other as team mates to anticipate and compliment each movement. For the first time since that long ago last Christmas with his Mother, John let himself just exist in the moment, not worrying about what he was revealing by holding Teyla too close.

"Thank you for coming to find me earlier," John said softly a few moments later, leaning down to speak close to Teyla's ear.

"I will always be there for you," Teyla, with her usual wisdom knew that more had gone on for John that day than seemed apparent on the surface. She gave him her promise, sensing that he needed the words to follow through on behaviours she hadn't seen from him before.

"I know," John returned. Making some space between them so he could look into her eyes he gave his own promises. "And I'll always be there for you too, you _and _Torren ... no matter where we are or how far apart we might end up. If you need me all you have to do is ask."

"I believe I will always be able to count on you John," Teyla pointed out complacently.

"I would have thought so but ... things could change. I just want to make sure you know _that_ won't," Sheppard made to draw her close again but she resisted, looking at him intently.

"You will tell me what happened to you today," she stated firmly.

"Yeah, just not now," Sheppard agreed. "We've got a party to enjoy!"

"Tomorrow then," Teyla agreed, letting John close the distance between them again.

oOo

"Major Lorne," Sheppard greeted his second in command, sitting down in the vacant seat across from him. After enjoying a few dances with Teyla John had decided to do the rounds, greeting everyone and letting them share their enjoyment of the holiday season with him. He fully intended to write a letter to Kyle Radcliffe's family tomorrow but there was one task he could take care of right there and then.

"Sir," Lorne nodded casually.

"I know it's a bit late," Sheppard began, "but if you still want to I've cleared your leave for a few days back on Earth. Maybe you could do a belated Christmas celebration with your family."

"Ah ... thank you Sir," Evan said in surprise. "That's ... of course I want to."

"I'm sorry I didn't approve your leave this year," Sheppard said, holding up a hand when Lorne made to comment. "I know none of us can expect to get leave every year but ... I was being selfish letting you take on all the Christmas related duties. You did a good job by the way ... everyone seems to be enjoying themselves."

"I was happy to do it Sir," Lorne said earnestly. "If you don't mind my asking, what brought on this change of heart?"

"The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future," Sheppard quipped, laughing when Lorne looked at him in confusion. "From Dickens ... A Christmas Carol?"

"Ah ... yes Sir," Lorne replied uncertainly.

"I had some time today to reflect on a few things," Sheppard let the Major off the hook by explaining. "Made me realise some of my motives were ... misguided."

"Christmas celebrations can be difficult when you've lost people close to you," Lorne commented in understanding.

"They can indeed," Sheppard put a hand on the table, smiling across at Lorne as he pushed himself up. "Enjoy the rest of the party Evan ... I'll let Woolsey know I've cleared your trip tomorrow so you can head out when you're ready."

"Thank you Sir," Lorne reiterated, still grinning as Sheppard walked away.

oOo

"Official duties done?" Rodney asked when John finally sat back down at Team Sheppard's table what seemed like hours later.

"Finally," John agreed. "Where's Ronon?"

"He was dancing with Amelia Banks," Rodney offered. "I lost sight of him a while back. Jennifer went off to the ladies with Teyla."

"Good to know," Sheppard slouched back in his seat, glancing from place to place just taking everything in.

"See, it wasn't so bad," Rodney said after a few moments of silence.

"Mmm?" Sheppard looked at his friend curiously.

"The Christmas party," Rodney clarified. "It wasn't as bad as you were imagining."

"No," Sheppard agreed. "I hate to admit it but you were right Rodney ... I really didn't know what I was missing."

"Well now you do," Rodney returned smugly. "Make sure you never forget again."

"I'm sure you'll be reminding me before I get the chance," Sheppard retorted with a grin, well pleased by the truth of that statement.

"Gentlemen," Jennifer and Teyla returned to the table, each sparkling with their enjoyment of the night. Rodney drew Jennifer to him immediately, smiling at something she whispered in his ear.

"Are you enjoying yourself?" Teyla sat beside John, facing the room like he was so she could watch the celebrations.

"Surprisingly yes," John admitted, glancing over at her before looking back to the room. He spotted Ronon approaching through the crowd moments before he arrived.

"Sheppard," Ronon's voice was mischievous, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

"Ronon," Sheppard returned cautiously. "You all right buddy?"

"I've got something for you," Ronon replied with a grin. "Giving gifts is tradition right?"

"Yeah, but it's not a requirement or anything," John looked at his friend suspiciously.

"You'll like this one," Ronon promised, pulling the hand he'd had behind his back forward so everyone could see what he had.

"Mistletoe?" John shot a glance at Teyla before looking pointedly back at Ronon. "I'm not sure that's really appropriate but I appreciate the thought."

"Is it not tradition to kiss under the mistletoe?" Teyla asked, frowning when John groaned.

"You know about that?" he asked weakly.

"Pay up buddy," Ronon held the mistletoe over John and Teyla's heads, grinning all the while.

"Yes John," Teyla said firmly, with an amused smile at his obvious embarrassment. "Pay up."

"Okay, but we do this my way," John got up and pulled Teyla from her chair so quickly she let out a surprised squeak.

Enfolding her in his arms John dipped her low to the ground, smiling at the picture she made with her hair flowing over his arm. Their little show had drawn the attention of everyone, the cheers ringing out as John finally kissed his team mate. No little peck for him ... John made sure that if this was the only time he was gonna kiss Teyla (when he was in his right mind anyway) he'd make it a memorable one. It was passionate and heated and broadcast his feelings just as surely as if he'd said the words aloud.

Teyla was speechless when John broke away and pulled her up again, going so far as to assist her back to her chair with no protest.

"You never do anything half way do you?" Rodney teased with a pleased smile.

"Not if I can help it," John laughed, delighted at how well he'd managed to ruffle Teyla's peaceful facade. It wasn't a promise or even much of anything but he hoped at the very least, if she was willing, they could call it was a beginning. "Thanks buddy," he looked over at Ronon gratefully.

"Traditions are important," Ronon returned, greatly pleased with everything.

oOo

Neal Holland watched the scene with satisfaction from afar ... it had taken getting hit with an emotional sledgehammer but finally he was convinced his friend really would be okay. Not a bad days work, if he said so himself!

**The End!**

**Authors Note:**

Blame this one on spending two days putting my Christmas decorations up along with having to watch Barbie in a Christmas Carol over and over ... and over again! The title for this comes from the preface to the original edition where Dickens wrote "I have endeavoured in this Ghostly little book, to raise the Ghost of an Idea, which shall not put my readers out of humour with themselves, with each other, with the season, or with me. May it haunt their houses pleasantly, and no one wish to lay it." The quote at the beginning of each chapter comes from the corresponding chapter in the book. The chapters are titled staves because that's what Dickens did at one stage, thinking of it from the musical sense which I took a fancy to. I hope any purists or extreme fans of Dickens forgive the license I took in depicting the three spirits – the idea of past, present and future is the key to the story I believe and actual ghosts just don't seem to fit in with Atlantis. I wanted each event to be something that could have happened but at the same time something open to reality questionning ... I'll leave it up to you to decide which you prefer. Apologies for any errors that made it into this chapter ... it's 3:30am here and my brain is trying to force me into sleeping mode ...

That's it from me (I think!) until after the New Year when I get FJS4 off the ground. Merry Christmas ... hope you enjoyed my little Christmas gift to you all ... I certainly enjoyed writing it :D


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